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me and the family are heading to the mountain tomorrow morning. It’s going to be a lovely day, I’m sure. we’ll bring the dog. we’ll see my aunt judy, aunt michelle and uncle mike. we’ll celebrate my cousin’s jessica’s birthday. i’ll give her a scarf that i knitted. (it’s really cute too.)

but here’s what’s going to happen when i pull in the driveway at my grandfather’s house. i’ll see my mom’s house. i’ll see my mom’s car. and for some reason i’ll have to go to inside her house (my aunt and uncle live there now so they can be close to my grandfather) and then it’s just all down hill from there. i’ll be fine when i’m there, mostly. then i’ll come home and wonder why i’m such a bad mood.

it’s something that is still difficult for me, and i know it’s going to happen every time i’m go. and eventually it will get worse. My family used to be a little foursome. my grandparents, my mom and me. sure, my uncle, aunt and cousins were around, but the four of us were a unit. we went on vacation together, rode horses together. my grandma was a primary person in my life as much as my mom was when I was little. she was the one who was there every afternoon when i got home from school because my mom worked two jobs to send me to private school.

so, grandma died last april. and we were down to 3 in our little family. and then this april, when my mom died, it was down to me and my pop. running at 50%. Pop-Pop is going to turn 90 on his birthday in January 2011. so you see what i’m getting at. damn and blast.


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