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me and the family are heading to the mountain tomorrow morning. It’s going to be a lovely day, I’m sure. we’ll bring the dog. we’ll see my aunt judy, aunt michelle and uncle mike. we’ll celebrate my cousin’s jessica’s birthday. i’ll give her a scarf that i knitted. (it’s really cute too.)

but here’s what’s going to happen when i pull in the driveway at my grandfather’s house. i’ll see my mom’s house. i’ll see my mom’s car. and for some reason i’ll have to go to inside her house (my aunt and uncle live there now so they can be close to my grandfather) and then it’s just all down hill from there. i’ll be fine when i’m there, mostly. then i’ll come home and wonder why i’m such a bad mood.

it’s something that is still difficult for me, and i know it’s going to happen every time i’m go. and eventually it will get worse. My family used to be a little foursome. my grandparents, my mom and me. sure, my uncle, aunt and cousins were around, but the four of us were a unit. we went on vacation together, rode horses together. my grandma was a primary person in my life as much as my mom was when I was little. she was the one who was there every afternoon when i got home from school because my mom worked two jobs to send me to private school.

so, grandma died last april. and we were down to 3 in our little family. and then this april, when my mom died, it was down to me and my pop. running at 50%. Pop-Pop is going to turn 90 on his birthday in January 2011. so you see what i’m getting at. damn and blast.

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that’s the question that’s been rolling around in my brain for the last week or so. Rob and I have usually gone to our respective mother’s house for celebration. I’m considering going with Rob…I mean, she is my mother-in-law and I do love her, but part of me just wants to hang out at home by myself and think/write/scrapbook about my own mom, especially being so close yet to her death. But then again, I’m not sure I want to be alone at all that day. I just can’t decide. cursed by my libran tendencies for being indecisive. Though I’m now leaning toward staying home and getting down on pen and paper stories I remember about my mom. The pics will help and then maybe I can actually organize the ones I do have of her.

obviously, that’s a statement that everyone would agree with. even though i have friends who are dealing with cancer, i really had no idea how much it can really change your life. and I’m not event the one with the diagnosis!

so, my mom has non-small cell lung cancer, and it’s advanced. It’s made it’s way through both lungs. But counting what blessings we have, it’s not jumped to bones or other organs yet. the 8 month survival rate is 50%, and the five year survival rate is less than 10%. So, chances are we’ve got a year, maybe more, maybe less. that is so hard to hear. it’s hard to read about, and it’s hard to deal with all the information you get. within 5 minutes of being told that she basically won’t live to see her grandson grow up and get married, we had a nurse come in to start explaining treatment options and clinical studies. Bless them, they deal with it every day. we don’t. it was so overwhelming to get all of the information at once.

my mom is scared. we’re all scared. we don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep working and take care of her. (although, we did pay off our car today, which was a GREAT feeling).

so, she’s trying to sign up for a clinical trial that will give her the normal chemo treatment she’d get at any hospital, and will get some additional medications to see if they augment the work of the chemo. everything gets kicked off tomorrow with blood work and more scans on saturday. her first chemo treatment is scheduled for Wednesday. it will all be a learning experience for all of us.

in action:

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